{disordered intellect}

2003-05-08T01:17:00.000-07:00

yoohoo.

am here.

2003-05-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

ode to my black heads

I've just conceded defeat to my black heads.

Ever since Pond's stopped making or distributing their pore strips, my black heads have grown in number and have spread from my nose to some part of my cheeks. Some have also settled happily on my chin.

There was a time when I never cared about them, much less, knew what they are. But college has a way of making one painfully aware of one's looks, of skin imperfections, of hair's oil levels. (Or was this suppose to happen in high school? Forgive me, am such a late bloomer.)

So, I started stocking up on creams, lotions, gels, scrubs and other beauty concoctions. I splurge on beauty magazines, fast becoming my bedtime reasing materials.

But alas. I could not afford the prescribed facial and body treatments, I can't afford regular trips to the spa, to have my nails and hair done at the parlor.

The result? A penniless, square-shape-nailed, dry-hair, blotchy-skinned frustrated kikay.

So I've decided that I have to wage my battles one at a time.

The latest enemy? My black heads.

One day, over lunch, an office mate took one look at me and noticed my black heads. The topic of conversation then was far from my or anyone else's skin imperfections and so I decided then and there that something must be done... and fast.

I once again searched for pore strips. Zilch.

I saw this Asian cream and gave it a try. It smelled and felt like Elmer's glue on my skin and I threw out the half-full sachet.

I've started using a facial scrub but my black heads are holding on. I bought a "black head remover," a thin metal contraption which remained unused for a while as I had no idea how it was supposed to work.

Last week-end, I gave it a try and started scraping at my face. I was starting to get giddy when I saw some black heads popping out and being pulled out - but not every evil morsel of dirt.

So, here I am, a few days after, red-nosed, with tired arms and still, more black heads.

I concede defeat to my black heads. But tomorrow is another day, and my stretch marks await.

2003-04-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

tabula rasa

my mind feels like this this week. a clean slate.

ugh. the effect of no work for five days. now i have to catch up, catch up, catch up. am tired.

2003-04-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

on vacation

am in the province now. the trip home last wednesday was not as bad as i expected. perhaps people have travelled as early as monday or will travel as late as thursday.

i brought home two folders and three diskettes' worth of work but i have not started on anything. all of my siblings, even my usually workaholic father (who's dozing on a bench outside), are on vacation mode so it's hard to get going.

i desperately want to go swimming, though am not sure if there would any open resorts. i could always go to the beach but i don't think my parents and my friends' parents would allow us to go swimming, even if we are all indeed above 21 years old and old enough to do whatever we please.

what i saw in the news kept playing over and over in my head. a priest was lamenting that the youth today are "neglecting" the real essence of holy week. "remember, it's a holy day not a hol-i-day.

i better shut up for now then.

2003-04-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

i've been a "working gurl" for 11 months. wow.

* * * * *

i'd love to have lunch with you someday, too.

and we'll talk about...

... our, um, experiences (?) with seminarians... :)

... how you keep your long and wavy (?) hair all luxurious and shiny. (judging from the photo in your blog)...

... how i can ward off a guy's unwarranted and seemingly undying affection.

... uhmmm... i'll think of more topics pa. :)

2003-04-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

shoulda coulda woulda

i hate graduations.

my sis graduated from high school this week. i took a leave from work because i am the official camera person in our family. i dunno, my parents have gone picture-crazy since i got my SLR camera. every family event or holiday has to be, um, documented. we have a drawer-full of pictures, since after all the poses and toothy grins, nobody has enough free time to file the pictures in albums.

so, back to the graduation. in the midst of taking pictures, my eyes started to tingle. i thought, shit, i can't believe i'm gonna bawl out here. it's just my sister's graduation for chrissake, not my daughter!

there were the usual speeches and looong awarding sessions. and oh my, the kids in my alma mater are really going places and reaping lots of awards - and sitting there, i started to reflect how active i was in high school. how i used to go to other places and compete and go home euphoric from a win.

when i got to college, i felt burnt-out and told myself to stay away from "extra-curriculars". i had three orgs but save for one, i wasn't really active in them. i think i've grown lazy or got bored of being active in such.

college graduation came and i sat there, gawking at my batchmates whose necks were straining from their numerous medals.

do i have awards-envy? maybe. do i regret not having taken advantage of all the opportunities presented to me? maybe. do i regret not joining the university and college papers after seeing a schoolmate's (who's freshman) byline in its front page? maybe.

i hate graduations, i hate ceremonies that validate one's accomplishments because they make me realize that i may not have done enough in 22 years of existence.

2003-03-25T20:00:00.000-08:00

randomness

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
rejection, betrayal, failing

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH (the most):
bf, roomies 1 and 2

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
backrubs, technology, sleeping

THREE THINGS I HATE:
narrowminded people, norms (pwede ba yun?), shitty rules

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
life, love's rules, hatred

THREE THINGS IN MY BAG:
lip balm, wallet, umbrella

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
surfing the net, answering mails, answering queries from my bosses

TWO THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
play the violin, have a baby

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
reformat a computer, text without looking at the phone, take care of a baby

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
martyr, weak, introvert

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
sing, cook, drive

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
mind over heart, parents

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
people who hate you (obviously), fortune tellers, horoscope

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
scary, ok fine, ganun?

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
chocolates, seafood, anything inihaw

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
play the violin, drive, cook

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
coffee, water, regular Coke

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
Batibot, Shaider, all those Saturday cartoon shows

- stolen from Chel. hey, girl, reading does not make one a geek... it makes you a... well-rounded individual as you get older. Amen. :) (read: i'm a geek, too)

2003-03-23T19:59:00.000-08:00

i don't know why, but i just felt like singing this song today.

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late and

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
I kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life
~ she's out of my life, michael jackson

blame my pre-menstruation hormones.

* * * * *

sometimes, i wish i was in her place, minus all her previous scandals and um, accent and expressions.

2003-03-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

pompous client surprised us yesterday.

finally, finally, he volunteered to edit his write-up according to his standards - whatever.

he really loves himself. he even faxed us a three-feet long list of his awards. geez.

* * * * *

LSS

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
~ i'd rather, luther vandross

still thinking what's the relevance of the song to me. :)

2003-03-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

round 2

so... pompous narcissistic client is coming to the office today for another round of bashing my work.

i am seriously considering shutting down my computer and walking out of the office.

i have more important things to do than listen to him on the hundred different ways of spreading to the world his wonderful awards and pump up his over-inflated ego.

God help me get through the day.

2003-03-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

lagot...

last night, i saw a former classmate. she was dressed in what i call the all-black-makati-corporate girl ensemble. i was in my usual baby-tee-jeans-and-sneakers outfit.

i think her course was art studies something... basta, a course that doesn't usually go into the corporate route.

i was surprised... then i panicked.

napag-iiwanan na akooo!

* * * * *

she looked like she brings home more than ten thousand bucks every payday.

*looks at empty wallet and bangs head on the wall*

her hair used to be curly... now, it's freshly rebonded (around P5k?).

*pulls at unruly hair*

waaaaaaa!!!!

2003-03-07T05:56:00.000-08:00

so... am back home. in the province. and i may never come back.

* * * * *

so hot. summer's here.

* * * * *

i hate my work. or i hate myself for being in my job.

sometimes, i think i don't have the soul, the gut, the works to be a writer.

the other day, a client called up one of our sales people, complaining about the write-up i did for him. the write-up which i have revised three times in a month.

he said the write-up was lacking; he said that i didn't contribute anything to it, everything came from him; he thinks that the write-up failed in promoting him and his business.

i was tempted to grab the phone and shout, "well then you do it, you narcissistic bastard! i'm overworked and underpaid here, and it doesn't help that i have to suck up to people like you!"

* * * * *

the truth was, i was very hurt that he wasn't happy with the article.

i'm not really good with criticism, constructive or otherwise.

it took me a long time to have my former boyfriend read my articles, because he also wrote and i was a tad insecure. i used to hide all my writing exercises from him. then, when the time came and i let him read one, he had to say, "this article has no heart."

all throughout college, my feelings would see-saw from one teacher to the next... one would love my work, another wouldn't understand it.

gawd... i dunno if i'm punishing myself for being in this profession. sometimes, passion fails, passion is not enough.

perhaps, i've run out of the passion for writing.

that's so sad.

2003-02-27T00:43:00.000-08:00

creative chaos

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."

- A.A. Milne -

read this in some web site this morning and i so agree with it.

i am what people call a pack rat. my rooms (back in the province and here in manila) are overflowing with magazines, CDs, papers, newspapers, pocketbooks and what-have-yous. i was worst when i was younger, i used to keep my quizzes and exams in brown envelopes though my growing siblings made me realize that i do have to make space for their stuff.

insert thought: perhaps i am a sentimental shmuck. i think i got this from my father. we just bought a new P4 PC and my mom said we won't be selling the old celeron one because it has sentimental value. okay.

so... exciting discoveries. yup. there's nothing like the feeling of discovering an old love letter or a cute article i wrote after rifling through my junk. more so, discovering that i have 100 bucks inserted in my laptop bag.

i know you've heard this a thousand times from pack rats like me, but i know where everything is... well, most of the time. there are times thar i attempt to straighten out the mess but in a few hours, it would revert to being a mess.

and yes, i can't work in a clutter-free environment. my office desk is currently littered with pink post-its, mugs of pens and pencils, a sugar container, my baby pics, some books and lots and lots of paper. i do not have the messiest desk in the office yet... but i think i'm getting there.

* * * * *

lazy

this was supposed to be part of yesterday's post.

i love technology because i'm lazy.

ever since i started working, i've become so dependent on technology. i could not start an article using my ol' pen and paper... my fingers yearn for the keyboard. i surf the net for info and inspiration though i have lots of books and magazine. when i do or say something wrong, i hope i could press control+z somewhere. when i'm feeling bad, i hope there's a switch somewhere inside me turn off these not-so-good feelings.

i am constantly trying to raise my money and give myself a PDA and a digicam.

i'm lazy and disorderly. saya.

* * * * *

and... and... i haven't written in my journal in ages.

2003-02-26T02:52:00.000-08:00

lazy

haven't blogged in days because i'm lazy.

haven't applied to other law schools because i'm lazy.

haven't applied to other companies because i'm lazy.

i'm so useless.

* * * * *

we watched daredevil yesterday. i'm not so familiar with the story so i won't even dare (pardon the pun) come up with a movie review.

basta i liked this line:

daredevil to elektra (and vice versa, i think): stay. stay with me.

yes, i could relate to the line.

* * * * *

let's pray for her soul...

precious was my roomie's blockmate and friend.

i used to live in the dorm beside her dorm.

i used to make tambay on the curb where the accident happened. i dunno if i could visit the place again without imagining these images.

2003-02-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

gotcha

so... my roomie discovered my blog.

apparently, she was searching for imago's rainsong and she ended up here.

curious about the author, she scrolled down the posts and read something about our previous conversations about weighing and selling ourselves por kilo in the market. at first, she did not realize that i was talking about us... she was just amused that three other girls were doing the same thing somewhere out there.

still curious, she scrolled down... down... down... to the post where i ranted about her bf who ragged us for taking her to the bar on her birthday.

she went home and told our other roommate who was also surprised that i kept some sort of website which i never disclosed to them.

i told them to promise me never to set foot in this site again.

as if i could do that.

bravo, roomie!

2003-02-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

try 20

from my mailbox again...

Being Twenty-Something
by author unknown

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with
the crowd and start realizing that there
are a lot of things about yourself that
you didn't know and may not like.
ou start feeling insecure and wonder
where you will be in a year or two, but
then get scared because you barely know
where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish
and that, maybe, those friends that you thought
you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest
people you have ever met and the people you have
lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you do not realize is that they are realizing
that too and are not really cold or catty or mean
or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing or maybe you are
looking for one and realizing that you are going to
have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of
socializing with the same people on a constant basis.
But then you realize that maybe they weren't so
great after all. You are beginning to understand
yourself and what you want and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what
others are doing and find yourself judging a bit
more than usual because suddenly you realize that
you have certain boundaries in your life and add
things to your list of what is acceptable and what
is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and
cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel
alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is
the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with
dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting
further and further away and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone
you loved could do such damage to you or you lay
in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent
enough to get to know better. You love someone but
maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you are doing this because you are not a bad
person.

You go through the same emotions and questions
over and over and talk with your friends about the
same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and
making a life for yourself and while winning the race
would be great, right now you'd just like to be a
contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading
this relates to it. We are in our best of times and
our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to
figure this whole thing out.

2003-02-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

happy valentine's day, everyone...

maybe
neocolors

There I was
Waiting for a chance
Hoping that you'll understand
The things I wanna say

As my love went stronger than before
I wanna see you more and more
But you closed your door
Why don't you try
To open up your heart
I won't take so much of your time

Maybe, it's wrong to say please love me too
'Coz I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you
Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day
'Coz I know he's here to stay
But I know to whom you should belong

I believed what you said to me
We should set each other free
That's how you want it to be

But my love went stronger than before
I wanna see you more and more
But you closed your door
Why don't you try to open up your heart
I won't take so much of your time

Maybe, it's wrong to say please love me too
'Coz I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you
Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day
'Coz I know he's here to stay
But my love is strong
I don't know if this is wrong
But I know to whom you should belong

Maybe, it's wrong to say please love me too
'Coz I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you
Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day
'Coz I know he's here to stay
But my love is strong
I don't know if this is wrong
But I know to whom you should belong

2003-02-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

You are the fox.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-04T20:56:00.000-08:00

early v-day special

from my mailbox. funny and true:

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.

Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin.

Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Teka, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi cum laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon.

Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam,
nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot,sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama'y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa
namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila,
siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto.

Ang labo talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko.

Pero wala pa rin akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

* * * * *

my bf and i had a slight misunderstanding last night. he wanted to read the messages in my cell phone, i refused. no reason at all, i. just. don't. like.

pahamak na cell phone.

2003-02-04T00:18:00.000-08:00

i never thought i'd really really really relate with any of her songs, but here goes:

"I'm With You"

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythigns a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

2003-01-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

Been reading the articles over at Bnext, Binibini and Katha.

I used to write articles about my feelings, my random thoughts, trivial stuff, about the people around me…

But I’ve stopped. Now, I only write for my work.

I miss writing for fun.

* * * * *

I was chatting with my friend earlier. He asked for help about business workflow whatever and I said I couldn’t help him, don’t know anything about that, I’m just a writer.

He replied, “Writer kuno.”

He said he was kidding but he struck a nerve.

Am I really a writer?

I’ve always wanted, always dreamed to be one.

Does churning out five articles every other week for our web site make me a writer?

Does having a journalism degree make me a writer?

I hate these thoughts… ego is down, down, down…

2003-01-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

minsan

minsan sa may kalayaan tayo'y nagkatagpuan
may mga sariling gimik at kanya-kanyang hangad sa buhay
sa ilalim ng iisang bubong
mga sekretong ibinubulong
kahit na anong mangyari
kahit na saan ka man patungo

ngunit ngayon kay bilis maglaho ng kahapon
sana'y huwag kalimutan ang ating mga pinagsamahan
at kung sakaling gipitin ay laging iisipin
na minsan tayo ay naging
tunay na magkaibigan

minsan ay parang wala nang bukas sa buhay natin
inuman sa magdamag na para bang tayo'y mauubusan
sa ilalim ng bilog na buwan
mga tiyan nati'y walang laman
ngunit kahit na walang pera
ang bawat gabi'y anong saya

minsan ay hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari
kahit na anong gawin
lahat ng bagay ay merong hangganan
dahil ngayon tayo ay nilimot ng kahapon
di na mapipilitang buhayin ang ating pinagsamahan
ngunit kung sakaling mapadaan baka
ikaw ay aking tawagan
dahil minsan tayo ay naging
tunay na magkaibigan

this song never fails to make me happy and sad at the same time.

* * * * *

i'm sick...

... tired...

... uninspired...

... help.

2003-01-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

saan patungo...

on my way to work today, i kept thinking about my text conversation with my friend c last night.

first, she told me that she and three of our friends engaged in a four-way cell phone conversation. i don't know how they managed to do that, perhaps it was a new service of globe since they were all subscribers.

then we talked about a batchmate's father who passed away last week-end. sadly, we won't be able to go to the funeral.

c invited me to go to boracay this summer. i don't know if i can go, i may still have work or i may have resigned (which means i won't have money then). she then asked me about my law school-hunting and i said i've only applied to UP so far. i then asked about her UP med school application and she said she's still waiting then shocked me by saying that she may not go to med school at all if she doesn't pass. she's a registered nurse already and she's thinking maybe she'd go abroad na lang.

i said i have some reservations about law school, too. if i don't get into UP, i may not take up law na rin. we're both UP grads (i went to diliman, she's in manila), and you could say we love UP so much that we're hesitant to go to another school.

then this morning, as the FX was stalled somewhere in quezon ave., i thought about our conversations years years back, how she'd be a doctor and put up her own hospital and get me as her lawyer.

now that we're having reservations about getting into law and med schools, what will become of our dreams and plans? i know this sounds cheesy, but what will become of our lives? i've always wanted to be a lawyer, and i've always thought that my path was going into that direction.

and now... i'm not sure. i feel like the rug has been pulled out under me. saan na ko patungo?

it's scary...kung kelan pa ako nag-22, saka pa ko nawalan ng direksyon. saka pa ako nawalan ng plano sa buhay.

* * * * *

another crime story.

two men aboard a motorcycle are now enjoying my office mate's cell phone and hard-earned money. his tale is even more sordid than mine, one of the thieves had a gun. they even made him turn his back on them (like what we see in the movies) and for a moment there, he thought it was his end. this happened a few streets away from his home.

i hate manila.

2003-01-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

the ring

i don't watch scary movies. i have a hyper-imagination and sometimes, when i'm all alone, i manage to scare myself too much that i can't sleep.

my roomies and bf watched the ring (not together) and they've been talking about it for days. last night, as i was drifting off to sleep, my roomies decided to compare the two versions, one watched the hollywood, the other, the japanese version.

earlier, while taking a bath, the image of the girl emerging from the tv keeps playing over and over in my head.

letse. lagi pa naman ako naiiwan sa room on week-ends.

* * * * *

roomies also had the bright idea of calculating how much each of us would fetch if we sell our bodies to the market por kilo.

they said i'm worth P5, 400.

nyay, i could not live on that amount for a month.

2003-01-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

still alive

yay, it's been eons since my last post.

am still alive.

* * * * *

a little about my 22nd bday celeb. nothing fancy, just had a few friends over for lunch then we hit the mall afterwards. we were supposed to play billiards but all the tables were occupied. someone suggested that we hit the arcade and i found myself shelling out 200 bucks to treat everyone to bump cars. wheee! the most expensive 5 minutes of my life, i tell you.

so how does it feel to be 22?

wala lang. i'll panic when i reach 23. as of now, i'm still content with being a semi-dependent, wearing jeans, baby tees and sneakers to work and not having my own car yet.

* * * * *

freaky.

a friend called me up the other night. in the midst of the chatter, he said, "alam mo, parang may nakita akong kamukha mo na naho-hold-up."

i asked, when? where?

friend: "sa hbc. last month. kaso hindi ko kilala yung kasama mo so inisip ko kamukha mo lang yun."

me: "was he wearing a yellow shirt?"

friend: "yes."

me: "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! baka ako nga yun!"

i went on to tell the sordid tale and yes, he was in the jeep just infront of us while two low-lifes were trying to get our cell phones. i kidded him, "di mo man lang ako tinulungan," and he replied, "ano naman gagawin ko?"

i told this to my other friends and they just said, "hay naku, wala nang hero ngayon no."

* * * * *
law fever

i can't decide which law schools to apply to! halp!

2003-01-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

another year

i'm turning 22 tomorrow.

i've finally, finally, finally accepted that am no longer a teen-ager.

yup, that's 3 years too late, but i just could not fully accept that i'm now devoid of the teen-ager's license to be (or act) reckless(ly)and get away with it because they're teen-agers.

am now expected by everyone to be mature, to look out for myself, to churn out sound decisions... yada yada yada.

am expected to enter law school this year and drop my wonderful work.

i know, i know... am trying not to please everyone but when it comes to my parents, i just couldn't say no.

* * * * *

am reading tuesdays with morrie. it's not a long book and i could usually finish books of such length in one sitting. however, i find it hard to read this one continuously. i've been reading a chapter a night. i dunno, maybe all the talk about dying is a bit overwhelming for me. i get this funny feeling in my chest whenever i start on a chapter. hope it's not a heart disease though.

* * * * *

but why am i so scared of death? we're all gonna die eventually.

* * * * *

currently listening to the sex bomb girls' first CD. their high-pitched voices and hilarous lyrics actually inspire me to work. basta, am not inaantok. jologs, you say? so sue me.

2003-01-01T23:38:00.000-08:00

the year that was...

a day too late... guess i was too busy indulging in my high school memories.

i don't have new year's resolutions, i've stopped making them years ago.

2002 has been a year of changes for me. graduated from college. now working. changed from a really insecure, dependent, clingy girlfriend to girlfriend who would like to see boyfriend only when needed. changed from girl who wanted to please everyone to woman who doesn't give a damn about leeches masquerading as people... this one's still a work in progress.

2002 has been a blur. seems like dec. 31, 2001 was just yesterday. i don't know if time flew fast because i was having fun or just because it flew darn fast.

wishes for 2003? oh, wait. i've stopped making resolutions so i won't make wishes, too.

just this: remind me to live life a day at a time.

2003-01-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

reunion... the continuation

the other night, i was well, pining, (?) for my high school crush.

now, am at the other end of the spectrum. my HS ex called me up last night to greet me happy new year. then we talked again this afternoon. and it seems like he still likes me... and i don't.

ours was a typical high school puppy love thing - we started out as really good friends, then one day i realized i like him and told a girlfriend. girlfriend told him, turned out he liked me, too... and there you go. however, i was not yet allowed to have a boyfriend so i told him we should just keep the relationship a secret. but then, according to him, he was so happy that he just had to tell some of our friends about it (now who says only girls are talkative?). i blew a fuse and ended our relationship just like that. (high school eh!)

oh, we got back together again for a while until junior prom came. we were part of the rigodon and one day, at practice, he told me he won't be going to the prom. he wouldn't tell me why. then i learned that he told another girlfriend of ours that he had chicken pox na pala that's why he couldn't go. i was pissed off, it was such a shallow shallow thing and i couldn't understand why he couldn't tell me that. guess what happened.

anyway, he steered clear of me after that. the thing with me is when i get mad, i completely shut out the other person. in short, deadma. so you could say i steered clear of him, too.

we didn't really keep in touch during college, i went to manila, he was in baguio. there was a time i got hold of his mobile number. i sent him a forwarded message and he replied, "fuck you." i was shocked. but another batchmate told me it was probably someone else, he was known to sell his mobile phone every now and then. thanfully, he confirmed that it wasn't him. i was worried that he was that mad at me.

the reunion was the first time we saw each other in years. he tried to dance with me that night but i didn't like the song. i asked him why he was quiet that night and he said he was kinda avoiding me so people wouldn't tease us again and he knew i had a boyfriend already.

nyeh... parang high school pa rin.

it was funny though, he was saying all these things like how he used to get jealous of my presumably gay HS best friend, and how ma-pride i was, and that he requested to be transferred to the other section when we were seniors just to avoid me. and he was kinda hinting that he'd like to ask me out but he'd make bawi because he said he knew his limitations. ala lang. cute. :)

old feelings? nah... nowhere to be found.

but it was nice touching base with a... friend... again.

shet man, how sentimental are we gonna get after 6 years???

awwww... high school... i'd give anything to go back.

2002-12-30T07:34:00.000-08:00

high school life

our batch had a get-together last night. it was fun! at first i was worried because we needed 40 people to come and at around 5 p.m., people were starting to text or call me up saying that they couldn't make it. i was looking at my completely empty wallet, wondering how we could ever make abuno just in case.

i had dinner with my friends at the mall, some chinese food. then we headed to the bar.

the group that made my senior year hell was there first. then, other groups started coming in and... things haven't really changed. the bar had these couches and you could see the people grouping together like in high school - the rich snobby types, the pretty boys and gurls, the nerds, the rebels...

however, we held some games and as some of the guys started getting really drunk, the groups started to mingle with each other. i didn't. i stayed put in my chair and would talk with everyone who would come over to our couch. it was a really small bar so it was not really halata that i was not mingling. although i was one of the organizers of the get-together, i didn't feel like talking to some of my batch mates for the sake of it. ala lang. i have so many traumatic experiences with some of these people... some trashed my rep and one cursed me in the face infront of a roomful of people.

my crush was there and he flirted with me a little. i just let him, he was a bit drunk na eh. but i realized... i... still... kinda like him. kaso... HE HAS A KID NA!!!

i guess the saying about first love or first crush whatever is true... i mean, seven years have passed and i see him and it's all coming back...

putsa, i feel like i've gone full circle overnight... he was the one paying attention to me last night but again, i'm sitting here, kinda sad because i still can't have him... ever.

don't you just love reunions???

2002-12-28T04:49:00.000-08:00

here comes the bride...

just got back from my friend's wedding. highlight of the event was when the whole entourage has started marching though the bride has not arrived. gawd! my friend and i who were in charge of lining up the entourage were so ready to kill that manang of the church. when we told her to stop making the people march, she had the gall to tell us that the priest would get mad at her if the wedding won't start on time.

hello?!? would there be a wedding if the bride's not there yet?

only in da pilipins.

2002-12-25T06:23:00.000-08:00

meri xmas!

am i hardworking or not?

christmas day, am online, checking our site, checking our mail, answering queries...

oh well, the festivties will officially start tomorrow.

26 - attend a friend's bridal shower.

27 - attend my confirmation (yup, that sacrament where the priest supposedly slaps you. my mom waited until our bunso is kinda old na so we could get confirmed together. i'm thinking, the priest would "slap" me extra hard seeing that i'm all grown up and has accumulated many sins, hehe.)

28 - attend friend's wedding. will serve as day coordinator.

29 - attend high school reunion.

gawd! all these events when i have no money! we haven't received our bonuses yet, argggh!!! will have to grovel for money from the parentals. oh well.

* * *

last night was the "mildest" christmas party in our house. every year, my mom would host a slew of parlor games and give out crisp P20 and P50 bills as prizes. our house is the noisiest house on our block every christmas and new year's eve because chikitings and oldies alike would really get into the games. however, last night, our little cousins weren't able to make it and us, "oldies" could not produce enough noise. oh well. was only able to win P10 because i served as deejay and photographer extraordinaire, was able to participate in one game only.

* * *

i don't wanna go back to manila anymore!!!!!

i just want to stay in our room with the new aircon, reread all my novels and pocketbooks, eat junk food, and sleep.

i don't want to go back to where everyday, i live in constant fear that someone would sidle up to me and ask for my cellular phone. that almost hold-up thing has really turned me into a paranoid freak. every morning, i would come this close to breaking down whenever someone brushes against me as i wait for an FX taxi to take me to work. every night, although my bf comes to fetch me from work, my heart goes a-thumping because we have to wait for a ride home in the scene of the crime.

i don't wanna go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-12-06T03:12:00.000-08:00

on crime

last year, a few days before my last semester in UP, i was musing to myself how lucky i was that all throughout my four years in manila, nothing bad has happened to me. bad, as in, i haven't lost my phone, my money, wasn't harrased by a taxi driver, etc. when i got accepted to UP, my parents had misgivings about letting me study in manila. they spent a few years here before settling down in the province and they aren't really fond of manila. they said it was dirty, full of thugs and if you venture in espana when it's flooded, there's the possibility that you'll be flushed down in an open manhole.

on the day before the first day of classes, bursting with optimism, i went back to manila. my bf and i decided to stop by SM and ultinately decided to watch a movie. lookin forward to the exciting first day of my last sem as a college student, we went home early. at home, i checked my wallet to prepare my form 5, our registration form. but my wallet was nowhere to be found! poured the contents of my bag on my bed... no wallet. searched my duffel bag... no wallet. called up my boyfriend if he has my wallet... negative. i started to cry. loved that wallet, it was a gift from my boyfriend. then started to panic, the wallet contained my entire UP life: reg form, IDs, ATM cards, grad pic contact prints, grad pic receipt, my bf's grad pic contact prints, more pictures, and yeah, money. so the first few days i was running around, getting copies of my form 5, scheduling for an ID, convincing my STS prof that i belonged in his class... things that a senior like me was not supposed to be doing on his last semester!!!

yet, i considered myself lucky because my wallet left me quietly. i mean, no one had to poke me with a knife or point a gun at me, ordering me to hand my wallet over.

yep, i was lucky... until last night. i left work with one of our designers around 7 pm, relatively early considering that we updated our website. anyway, my usual companion didn't go to work that day so i was supposed to commute alone. my office mate was going the other way but he decided to wait until i've boarded an FX taxi. while waiting, we happened to talk about our experiences with thieves and i told him the previous story. the FX taxis were stopping a few paces away from us so we decided to move. suddenly, an arm went around my neck and i heard, "bigay mo sa akin cell phone mo, kundi sasaksakin kita." i looked at my office mate and there was another guy demanding for his cell phone. i managed to plead with thief #1, "manong, pera na lang." but he refused, he wanted my goddamn cell phone. i kept on repeating to take all my money, and he was pulling me to the darker part of the street. the thing was, there were people around us and traffic was at a standstill. i was even staring at this jeepney driver and he was STARING back at me but NOT making an effort to help us at all. it was obvious something awry was happening, i was this close to crying then! just when i was about to whip out my phone, he released me. turned out my office mate already gave his phone and thankfully, they left us alone. we went to the other side of the street and stayed in a fast-food place to calm down.

last night, crime presented his ugly face to me. he was dark-skinned, had a cap and adamantly refused my money. i hope i won't meet him again.

2002-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

wagi!

we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won we won!

gwabe! ang saya-saya!

we won both awards for our category, best website AND people's choice!!! saya-saya-saya!!!!

pero lagot, i have to treat my high school batch mates!

pero saya-saya pa rin!!!

2002-11-28T18:45:00.000-08:00

let's get awww!!!

accompanied my jopay-the-sex-bomb-obsessed friend last night to see the sex bom dancers in the joint near us. roomie and i weren't really planning to go but we were craving for some san mig light and my friend kept on texting me to join him and my bro because the waiters wanted to transfer them to a smaller table.

so we bid our 200 non-consumable bucks adieu and saw the girls. rochelle was cute and yes, i have to say, jopay is cuter in person. i first saw her on the cover of FHM and i could not understand at first why my friend had this huge rush on her. turns out she's not photogenic.

noticed that the crowd were not really fans of the girls, i mean, they didn't sing or dance along although there was this guy who kept shouting that he loved rochelle. the bar was packed though, we were at the back and we had to stand on our seats just to see them. while watching them, i felt, i dunno, pity (?) for them. i think they came pa from the klownz bar along quezon ave. and god knows what other gigs they have for the rest of the night. i could see that they are tired na. pero they seem to enjoy their job, so... i must say that they dance well though, anlambot ng katawan! astig!

* * *

web awards tonight! hope our site wins! won't be telling what our site is, my bosses could be reading this blog, hehehe...

2002-11-25T17:51:00.000-08:00

goodbye, UP law

the maaaaaaaath part of the freakin' LAE was way beyond me!!!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

2002-11-18T01:33:00.000-08:00

to law or not to law school? (pardon the kabarok-an)

hmmm... it's been a while since i posted a decent entry. my boss and seatmates are off in a meeting so...

i finally filed my application for UP law school last wednesday with my room mate. had to take a half-day leave from work because UP being UP, i knew we were bound to end up in a pila somewhere. however, we were able to wake up pretty early so i was in the office na before lunch.

my roommate says she feels like she just threw away her 900 bucks. we've been planning to take the LAE kaso we're not reviewing or anything, we're both working na rin. i was supposed to enroll in this fancy review but it was for 6 freaking thousand pesos and my mom did not want to shoulder the bill. i can't pay for it, that's practically my probee sweldo! so i told myself to self-review on week-ends... pero asa pa! sometimes, w have events on week-ends, or i go home, or am just plain tired.

i am also 50-50 about the law school thing. my roomie, on the other hand, is 70-30, hmmm... 90-10 even, as in 90% not sure she wants to go to law school. what she really wants is to get her MA, ewan ko, siguro gusto lang ako samahan mag-LAE. kaso i won't be too surprised if she passes and i don't. it will just be like the thing with PDI. i was the scholar and she just tagged along, suddenly, sya na tong nakapag-exam and interview at lahat at muntik nang matanggap! grrr... but i still love her... :)

i want to get into law school because:
1. somewhow, the child in me who used to proclaim, "when i grow up, i want to be a lawyer," is still there... somewhere...
2. my father is a lawyer and as panganay, i am sort of bound to follow in his footsteps (and i know he would be soooo disappointed if i don't become a lawyer)
3. let's admit it, a lawyer earns much much more than a writer
4. everyone and their brother expects me to be one!

i don't want to get into law school because:
1. the law bug has lost its fire
2. i don't think i can handle four more years of books, books, books... nakakasawa na mag-aral...
3. i love my work (my mom wants me to go into law school, full-time)

and, and, and... i don't think i can handle it if i don't pass the LAE... it's UP or nothing... hmmm... actually, i want to try to get into ateneo, too, but my mom says my four sibs have to drop out of school before i could even think of going there, so.....

katawa nga, i started reviewing last night. since i'm really bad at math, i started answering the reviewer for that section. numbers 1-4 were okay, my answer was actually among the choices. question number 5 asked about angles, and suddenly, i was dead tired... i gave up and went to sleep...

hay, one week to go! let my PhP900 not be in vain!!!

2002-11-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

ang aga-aga, mura ang breakfast ko!

TANGINA!

in fairness, ang sarap-sarap magmura, kasi...

... one month na kong di sumusuweldo...
... mag-u-update na naman, wala pa akong nagagawa...
... magla-LAE ako, malay ko ba kung papasa...
... di ako naka-attend ng LAE review this week-end...

TANGINA!!!

2002-11-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

need to write, need to write, need to write...

muses, inspiration, divine forces, COME ON DOWN!!!

parang-awa nyo na...

2002-11-01T05:56:00.000-08:00

shet, i've been scanning and scanning and scanning my laptop for the past 5 hours... MAY LETSENG VIRUS PA RIN!

i think i got it when i was trying to download enigma's "return to innocence" mp3 earlier. trend pc-cillin popped out and started scanning and said that over a thousand files have this letseng virus: vbs_redlof.a! tangina, tangina, tangina.

now i'm re-scanning again with pandasoftware.com. 95 infected files so far.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! i'll have to reformat this laptop now that it contains a gazillion megabytes of scanned pics!!!!!! tanginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

just noticed that this is the post with the most cuss words. sorry. can't help but cuss when it comes to computer viruses and reformatting.

TANGINA!

2002-10-31T08:28:00.000-08:00

just got home after going out with my friends. actually, only three of my barkada.

ano ba yun, kung kelan pa kami tumanda, nagka-trabaho at nagka-sahod, saka pa sila naging killjoy.

weird.

actually, i'm still itching to go out. was only able to drink one bottle and dance to half a song. shet. killjoys.

they actually want to sit around, talk and drink coffee. it's not that i don't want that. but gawd, i drink two cups of coffee in the office every freakin' day! when i go out, change of fluids naman, give alcohol a chance.

hay... wanna go out!!!

* * *

the trip home was horrendous! the usual 5-hour ride home stretched into 8 hours! i constantly shifted in my seat to keep my butt from falling asleep.

it took us 3 hours to hit the north expressway. when we stopped for gas, we had an ally mcbeal moment, the restrooms were open to everyone! we freshened up inside the men's rest room, though minus the dance sequences.

pero shet, sakit talaga ng pwet ko.

* * *

happy halloween!!!

2002-10-23T02:10:00.000-07:00

putsa. i am never gonna answer the phone in the office anymore.

2002-10-23T02:04:00.000-07:00

music - rainsong (imago)

am here in the office, infront of my PC, big boss is in the next room, and i'm trying my best not to burst into tears.

the day was going along swimmingly... and suddenly, wham! i come crashing back to earth.

bf just informed me through SMS that he's going for MS next semester and that he just won a scholarship. i'm happy for him, really. but i could not help thinking that when i have good news to share, he does not readily share in my excitement. he is always quick to point out the negative side in about anything that happens to me. i used to tell him that in my life, he should be the leading man and not the kontrabida.

i've got this heavy feeling in my chest and 6:00's an hour away. i wanna go home. i wanna go to padi's and drink and dance and laugh... anything to drive this heavy feeling away...

2002-10-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

shit. it's 4 am and i'm still fooling around with my computer.

went home today to meet CC, my best friend in elem. we last saw each other on my debut, 4 years ago. sophie year she migrated to canada without telling me about it. one day i decided to update my profile in alumni.net and it turned out that she was online at the same time, looking for me and she saw my email add and then we chatted and got in touch again. she got married got married there and has a baby who shares my b-day. nice, huh? then her grandpa died last week so they had to go back here.

saw her at the mall earlier and she hasn't changed much. and i was so jealous of her canon s30! hehe! there's the budding techie in me...

we chatted for a while then she had to go because she'll be meeting her high school friends. she said she'd come back after 7 years but i was persuading her to come back with her baby real soon.

my family and i went out for dinner at a seafoods restaurant. tummy would rival that of santa claus's. i had succulent bangus, buttered talaba, some shrimps, squid and sinigang. tummy in real trouble now.

shit. have to sleep. i'm going back to manila tomorrow. hope my bus won't get bombed.

2002-10-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

finally! dispenser's spewing out hot water! coffee galore! just in time though, head's throbbing from a slight hang-over.

roomie had the bright idea of going out last night. after watching an all-shane once and again episode, followed her, other roomie p and g, our guy orgmate.

funny thing happened. g told me that he bumped into someone in the rest room who said he was my classmate in philo. g said the guy was in the table next to us and i did not recognize the guy and was a bit freaked out.

then, while in the dance floor, i noticed b, my classmate in freshman year, and i told g maybe that was the guy he was talking about. i knew b liked me then (he told me) but i had a bf then.

later, on my way to the rest room, i saw him and he said hi and asked if g was my bf.

me: no way! bata pa yan!
b: ah. so do you have a bf?
me: why?
b: so meron nga?
me: (runs to the cr) meron!

i came out and he was waiting there. apparently he was friends with the bartender and introduced me:

b: this is yekatz, the girl that got away.
me: (thinking) whaaaaaaaaaat???
b (to me): kanina pa nga kita tinuturo sa kanya eh. sabi nga nya lapit ako sa iyo. i told him you were the one that got away because you had a bf.
me: (laughing inside) ahhh...

then he asked about work, yada, yada, yada... then i asked him,

me: di ba you have a gf? i used to see you with her sa UP.
b: ah, no. best friend ko yun. di ba masscomm ka? sya din, spy ko sya. sabi nga nya may bf ka.

ahhhhhh...

then he said he won't attempt to get my number but he hoped that the next time we'd see each other, i'll be single na.

think it's funny because that was four years ago and he still likes me???

whoa.

katuwa nga sya dati eh... he kept talking to me during class and since i was still a goodie-goodie freshie, i would just nod at him. i think he was pissed about that that he did not try to talk to me again. i'd see him around campus and we'd just nod to each other. he was two batches older so i did not see him again for a long time.

and he still likes me???

whoa.

2002-10-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

could not resist slacking a bit.

I WAS A HAPPY CHILD
lucky you. you were what every child should be.
carefree. optimistic. and happy.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)

hmmm... guess i was, until i met my math teacher and other teachers who played favorites, this guy who had a crush on me pala but bullied me everyday and made me cry and think of transferring to another school, our elem vale who was everyone's absolute favorite and who cheated in spelling and social studies, girls who pretended to be my friends, people who laughed at my scars when i got bulutong... yes, i was a happy kid until then...

2002-10-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

did nothing yesterday. have to make up today. gawd.

* * *

pam and blue arden, mangorind naman from cebu :)

* * *

really have to do something about my tummy. got home and saw my orgmates hanging out. then g, this younger guy, touched my tummy and asked me, "ilang months na ba yan?"

i had to explain that i just had three sticks of barbecue, a bowl of sinigang na baboy and mushroom poppers.

hate my tummy. on really bad days, they're bigger than my boobs.

argh! will really try my darn best to sign up for red corner boxing's punch bag aerobics. can't do crunches, got a back problem.

* * *

made a bet with my roomie the other night. she has her own forbidden guy that she's been hung up for years and wants to forget. so we dared each other not to initiate any contact with these guys, A for me, R for her. this means no missed calls, no texting, no calling up sa landline. whoever well, caves in, treats the other in the bar of her choice, sky's the limit.

mule, here i come. :)

* * *

freaky tricycle ride on the way to work. my seatmate's elbow kept hitting my boob as she rooted around for something in her bag. trike driver would brake suddenly and i hit my head twice. then he overcharged me two bucks. but i love trikes.

* * *

avril reminds me of alanis. read somewhere na bagay daw sila ni shane. hmmm... shane west tonight!!! :)

2002-10-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

rant, rant, rant...

stupid water dispenser won't spew out hot water for my coffee...

am beginning to get a cold...

P is not online...

2002-10-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

gawd, i'm so bored.

can't write. dreaded writer's block strikes again, to think we need to update site content this week.

spent the whole morning reading other people's blogs. gawd, kakahiya, kakasweldo lang kahapon eh.

i miss sembreak! i need a sembreak, too!!!

2002-10-10T00:50:00.000-07:00

magic eraser

one of my roommate and i's favorite psychoanalysticbabble bullshit topics is answering the question: "what if you could erase someone or someone's presence in your life, who would you erase? how do you think would that affect your life?"

my answers:

J - my high school ex. he was okay as a bf but when i broke up with him, i suddenly had my very own stalker. he was not really creepy but it was annoying to know that he visited my university to look for me, then passed on letters through my orgmates. argh, and i hated it when he'd call me up and cry over the phone. when i say it's over, it's over.

this group of girls in high school - actually, it's not really them i want to erase, but what they did to me (spread lies about me, cursed me in the face in a room full of people, pretended to be my friends)

my elem math teacher - i know if i erased her from my life, wala akong math teacher! but she made math really hell for me. i used to dread that flash cards contest.

i forgot the others already.

now, given the ability, would i want to erase A from my life?

yes, because he made a stupid fool out of me.

nope, because he made me realize how gullible and stupid i could be.

compromise: he was okay back in HS - i hope i could erase that day this year that i saw him again at the mall.

2002-10-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

tests galore! (walang magawa eh...)

What Was Your PastLife?

true! true! true! :)

* * *

What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmmm... (in doubt)

* * *

Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Borneo around the year 575.
Your profession was that of a librarian, priest or keeper of tribal relics.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Seeker of truth and wisdom. You could have seen your future lives. Others perceived you as an idealist illuminating path to future.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to develop a kind attitude towards people, and to acquire the gift of understanding and compassion.

wow! kaya pala...

* * *

You are 14% geek

OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

hahaha! this, after years of being regarded as a geek-o!

* * *

shet, tama na nga... gutom lang 'to...

2002-10-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

desperate for changing
starving for truth
i'm closer to where i started
i'm chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

"hanging by a moment," lifehouse

* * *

in vain

chatted with P yesterday. he said i've changed, parang ang tahimik ko daw nung nagkita kami.

i was surprised. me? tahimik? eh bading na nga ako ngayon eh! then he said i've grown "mature" and i remembered what my other barkada said way back in first year college when i cropped my hair. i was tomboyish in elem and high school, and she was amazed daw na just when i sort of looked like a boy already because of the really short 'do, mas lalo pa akong naging girl.

i told P that and he agreed, "yeah, cute nga eh!"

that made me think. ano ba ako nung high school? i know everyone saw me as this quiet, unassuming, not really vain at all, polite nerd, although i know that in my barkada, i was the most un-poised and really galawgaw.

but then, my college in UP was "bading country" and it was inevitable that i'd pick up the mannerisms and lingo. (hay, miss ko na mga brus!)

and now, here was P saying mas tahimik or subdued na ako???

* * *

last week-end, too, i bumped into another HS batchmate i haven't seen in ages. we exchanged cellphone numbers and later, she texted me, "gumanda ka ha!" i also related this to P and he said, "oo nga."

teka, teka, teka... so ibig sabihin panget ako nung high school???

P was quick to say, "hindi naman, cute ka nga eh!"

pero napapaisip na talaga ako ah.

i wanna do a john mayer --- i wanna run through the halls of my high school/ i wanna bump into my former self / i wanna see if i was really bad-lookin' / i wanna know if i was really galawgaw (sorry, john, butchered your song)

* * *

but come to think of it, i was not really conscious of my appearance back then. my clothes were clean and okay but my long unruly hair was always held up by this humungous clamp and my eyes covered by huge eyeglasses and only dusted on a little powder on my face every morning.

now, my clothes haven't changed much (still wear jeans and shirts from college, i like to call it retro), my hair's still held up by a smaller clamp, i've bought cooler-looking specs, and dab on a little eye make-up and Chapstick.

but P said i've "matured" and other batchmate said i look better, so at least, improving! hehehe...

2002-10-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

aliw yang tagboard message board ah (see below, right column)

my message is supposed to be:

"hey, pammy! good luck sa hell week and haberdei in advance, hehe! aga no?"

cinensor yung hell, hehe.

hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell... :)

2002-10-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

interesting, interesting week-end.

arrived a little after two and had a hearty late lunch of alimango and shrimp. :)

later, called up Z, Tee and R, for a girls' night out. at first, i wanted to drop by at P's bar to see his band. but the others quickly vetoed the idea because they said the bar was for oldies and P's band played love songs only and they were not in the mood for love songs - everyone had love problems. ooookaaay...

so we headed off to another place where all you have to do is sit and drink. and so we drank, and drank, and drank. P dropped by and told me that A's in another place, then he went off to his gig. then 2 guy friends of Tee arrived, and they wanted to go where A was. i was just quiet and began contemplating what i was going to do when i see him. shortly before 11, R suddenly announced that she had to go home so Tee and one of the guys brought her home. Z and i were left with guy #2 who turned out to be interested in Z so they began flirting with each other. in times like this, i whipped out my cell phone and decided to tell A that i was in the province. then we suddenly had another "text convo":

him: and2 me ****, lika...
me: actually, punta kmi jan later pa. nasa ***** ako eh.
him: gus2 mo sundo kita jan?
me: nope, u don't hv to. may sasakyan nmn fren ng fren ko, hintay lang namin sila bumalik.

and i looked up, and there he was. apparently, he texted me that he was on his way. he invited me again to join him and i told him we'll just follow later. then, after saying hello to practically everyone in the place (never knew he was such a mr. congeniality), he left.

meanwhile, Z was getting sleepy and Tee's friends were enjoying their drinks too much that it turned out we won't be going to the other place. Z and i were also feeling out-of-place so we told Tee we'll just wait for my sundo at Z's place, just across the street.

there actually was no sundo for me yet and i did not feel like going home yet. texted A that we won't be joining him, but he insisted on picking me up. then P texted me to watch his gig, so told A i'll be going to P's. he replied that he was there already (he's all over the place!) and since i had no ride, he volunteered to pick me up. since i really wanted to see P play (one of the reasons why i went home in the first place), i agreed and said goodbye to Z.

when we arrived, turned out he was with a bunch of people he just met that night. so he sat me among the girls and proceeded to goof around with the boys. to keep myself entertained, i just stared at P and SMSed him. turned out he was so good in playing the drums that he could even text at the same time!

when P was done, i joined him in a separate table. A told me he'd bring me home, but P told me he wanted to talk with me longer so he'd bring me home na lang kahit tricycle lang. A and the group of strangers stood up to leave and A called me, but i told him about the plan. he just said, "ok," and left. P and i were aghast, he did not even bother to insist that he'd bring me home!

so P and i talked, and i learned that A's current object of affection(?) is the ex-gf of my first-year high school crush! how's that for a small world, eh?

our chat was interrupted when A called me up to say that he wanted to bring me home and wanted to talk to me. it was almost 4 in the morning and P had to eat a really late dinner pa so i agreed with P's blessings. P saw me to the car and told A to go back to the bar immediately.

in the car, A suddenly grabbed my hand and i as i pulled away, i asked what that was about. suddenly, he was apologizing for not texting back, yada yada.

we arrived at my place, he told me he wanted to talk to me pa. asked what is there to talk about. then he was hugging me and holding my hands and telling me he was sorry. then he told me was ready to "commit" and i fought the urge to laugh out loud! i asked him if he's ok, maybe he's just drunk, and how could he say that when one day he suddenly vanished. he said, "gusto ko lang mag-isip," and i snapped back how come he could not even tell me or SMS me that. he even told me that was planning to explain everything when he got back to manila but now i was here so he figured out we'd talk, and i countered that we won't be even having this goddamn talk if i did not text him early that night in the first place.

then told him if he was serious about his feelings for me, he had to prove it, and he asked how. yegads! what is it with men that you have to tell them everything?!???

told him, "diskarte mo na yan," and got out of the car. he drove away without even waiting for me to get in... and i actually stayed outside our house for a while coz it turned out that the doorbell was busted. grrrr...

interesting, interesting week-end.

2002-10-04T00:59:00.000-07:00

i'm going home to the province tomorrow. actually excited because i really miss home and all the seafood my mom serves when i go home.

P invited me to watch his gig and i really want to go but i'm afraid that i might bump into A. dunno how'd i react. how would you react when you see someone who told you he liked you, was really sweet to you, then one day, suddenly stopped returning your text messages and calls? and now, he's got this thing going with P's friend.

if i talk to him, will i appear even more pathetic?

if i ignore him, will i appear bitter?

if i smash a Mule bottle over his head after i've drained its contents, will i actually feel better?

* * *

i'm actually getting scared of P. chatted with him earlier and he seems to be enjoying making A's life a bit of hell by teasing him everytime they see each other in the bar.

P said he's doing it for me. um, ok.

2002-10-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

she's my "sister" in blogtree. as i was reading her entries, i realized that we have so many things in common, especially her "lovelife adventures."

ang galing. :)

especially her sept. 25 entry, was just doing and thinking the same thing the past few days. kakatuwa naman. :)

2002-10-01T22:48:00.000-07:00

A has a new girlfriend.

my friend P told me this early this morning. i've been confiding in P about A because he's also friends with the jerk. P told me a week ago that A's showing interest in another friend of his, and he warned the girl about A. yet, instead of resisting A's advances, the girl is playing along with him, so now, they've hooked up.

P SMSed me, "nakahanap na siya katapat niya," referring to A.

but who knows? maybe A really likes this girl this time. despite my "vow," i SMSed him last night, "heard you've got a new girl. good luck." turned out he was with P and asked P how come i knew. P SMSed me, telling me not to ask A anything about the girl anymore. panicked for a second, knew they were in a bar, they might get into a fist fight or something like that. but P reassured me it was okay na.

but i'm not.

gosh, i should get a grip on myself already. everything that happened between us boils down to one big fat lie.

he is not coming back, hell, he never even really liked me in the first place. wake up, dear.

* * *

As she closed her eyes again
Just prayin' he'd return
But only Darkness Fell upon her...
darkness fell, wolfgang
my song for the week

2002-09-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

argh! shane appeared for only 5 seconds in once and again last night! hayyy...

* * *

major high school music mode: loser (beck), selling the drama (live), crazy, amazing, crying (aerosmith), beetlebum, song 2 (blur), runaway train (soul asylum)...

i luv mp3s!!! :)

2002-09-26T02:41:00.000-07:00

just saw blogtree mommy's pics.

na-miss ko tuloy journ123 and film110... walking around UP, taking pictures of the lagoon, the huge acacia trees, the betaway...

and then getting into the photolab, trying (in vain) to roll the film in the canister, the chemicals (the awful smell!), moving on to the darkroom (praying there'd be someone alive in there, not otherwise), then plunging the white photopaper into the first chemical (syet, forgot the name!) and seeing the picture slowly come to life...

kaka-miss talaga!!!!

2002-09-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

had a dream about A last night. it was weird. my college's pep squad was there and i was watching a special performance. A suddenly emerged from the crowd and tried to hold my hand, but i broke away from him. then we went out of the stadium and he was telling me that he wanted me back, yada, yada, yada.

then i woke up. and i felt really bad because i knew the dream was one big fat lie. unlike other "crush-dreams," which would make me hope that there's a teeny possibility my crush and i would end up together, i knew this one was never ever gonna come true.

2002-09-24T01:44:00.000-07:00

just spent the past 6 hours in the office cleaning up our database. argh. my poor shoulders are turning stiff from being hunched down infront of PC.

* * *

we had an event yesterday in makati. boss suspended my "press privileges" and relegated me to the registration table. (as content editor of our site, i feel like one of the "press" when i go around snapping pictures during events for our press release section)

as a journalism major, i used to hear from my journ ethics prof about arrogant media people, those who threw their weight around, demanded special services, etcetera, etcetera. i got a glimpse of that yesterday. some of the press who attended the event did not want to fill out the (lengthy) registration form. they would insist on leaving their business cards with us. we explained that there are some information they needed to provide, but they would just let out an exasperated sigh. one even haughtily asked, "do i have to? press ako eh."

at first, i was not really bothered by her, or by their reactions because if i were the one asked to fill out such a long form, i would give the poor reg people the evil eye.

but then my officemate and collegemate (but he was from a different department) jokingly asked me, "ganyan ba lahat ng press? bitchy?"

i shot back at him, "oo naman, tinuro yan sa amin sa journ 100."

deep inside, i was thinking, magiging ganun din ba ako? in a couple of years, i plan to be part of the so-called mainstream media (i.e. papers, tv). if you're a reporter, do you always have to be aggressive, cynical, assertive...?

most of the media people i've met are those from print, and they're okay naman eh. my internship trainor hardly reamed me and my co-trainee when we failed to turn in a decent story one day. most of the reporters i interviewed for my thesis were accommodating, and my journ professors are not that bad either.

back to the registration - after the event, we had a nice laugh about one media person, who, after learning that after filling out the form, one would be issued a raffle stub for the great prizes, hurriedly filled out one. for my part, there was this one well-dressed lady who came in late. i asked her to register, but she told me, "i have no time," and went off. in five seconds, she was back, "ay, may raffle pala," and grabbed my pen.

raffle lang pala katapat ng kasungitan. :)

2002-09-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

finished reading my roomie's copy of fitzgerald's the great gatsby. nice, thinking of buying my own copy for my collection.

i totally relate to this sentiment, kung pwede nga lang talaga:

"Can't repeat the past? Why of course you can!"
-- Gatsby

2002-09-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

find myself reminiscing a lot lately... wishing i could go back to high school, reliving over and over again the "happier times" in my life...

our high school batch recently (actually, belatedly) formed our yahoogroups and i'm the most active member so far. it helps that i work for an IT company and have unlimited and free internet access. anyway. i've been signing up in sites like alumni.net, which helped me "reunite" with my bestfriend in grade school whom i haven't heard from in ages. turns out she migrated to canada with her family two years ago and she's now married and has a baby girl! um, that's another story...

all this "memory lane" stuff is nice and all but i think i'm doing it too much and too soon. i'm only 21, think that's too young to reminisce about high school, di ba?

hmmm... need something to distract me...

2002-09-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

argh! bakit nawala yung mga comments???!!!???

hope this one from BlogOut will work.

2002-09-21T01:37:00.000-07:00

had dinner at KFC sto. domingo last night and was surprised to see that the crispy fries are back! i was really disappointed when they replaced it with "generic" french fries. now that they're back (hopefully in all the KFC branches nearby), i won't hesitate in eating at KFC again.

* * * * *

hate myself. i'm becoming such a pathetic clingy loser when it comes to him (the object of my homicidal tendencies). i'll refer to him as A for now.

he's still not returning my text messages or calls. frankly, i'm no longer interested in him that way. as i've told my roomies over and over, i just want closure. if he doesn't want to see me, hear from me, in short, be my friend anymore, then he just has to tell me. won't get mad (well, will try not to). might get bummed, but at least, afterwards, i won't have to stress about it.

i know i think way too much and having this unresolved thing running through my mind everyday is wearing me out. so last night, i decided to ask him through SMS what the hell happened and if i did something wrong (really pathetic, groveling like that). then told him that i wish we could still be friends but if he doesn't want to, then he'll just have to t-e-l-l me.

after going all wimpy, i now vow not to text or call him until he contacts me first. i will muster all my strength to be faithful to this vow.

* * * * *
4 a.m.
before going to sleep, i tried to call him up for the last time. surprise, surprise! he texted me back, sorry daw, wala siyang load. yeah, right. we exchanged text messages thrice then i think he fell asleep because he did not even said good night. typical.

2002-09-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

ho-hum. designer's still not finished with lay-out. i'm raring to edit the content.

another designer brought his brand-new s40 today. peter and i could not stop drooling over it. clearly could not afford its PhP35K price tag wih my minimum salary. would be pretty happy with an A40 though. ahhh... hope my favorite cousin in singapore would remember that he's my fave and i'm his fave, too, and work his butt off to get me one for christmas. :)

please, please, please...

2002-09-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

one month one day na kami ni shane! take that, office mate! :)

made sure to go home early yesterday to catch once and again on RPN9. however, the story revolved around lily's household that he was a no-show. imagine that, he stood me up on our monthsary! haha! :)

i'm glad i have this "juvenile" distraction. helps me be sane.

2002-09-19T22:33:00.000-07:00

been having inexplicable urges lately.

urge #1: to smoke.

i tried smoking a couple of years ago. when we were college freshmen, i was surprised to learn that some of my girlfriends now know how to smoke. it was a big deal because we were regarded the conservative, prim-and-proper bunch in high school (but in reality, the loudest and most talkative ones). anyway, i started giving them the evil eye because i did not like cigarettes. my dad chain-smoked back then, and every night, as i typed my assignments on our PC as he rattled off his legal documents in his manual typewriter, he would smoke. i would then emerge from our home office reeking of the cigarette smell.

but my friends justified that they "needed" to know how to smoke for school plays because they were members of theater groups.

anyhow, one night-out after i had a fight with my bf, i told them to teach me how to smoke. so they lit one and told me when to puff, when to inhale, when to exhale... it was not a pleasant experience. i did not like the taste and my throat started itching. i brushed my mouth 5 times and the horrible taste would not go away. my throat itched for two days. my friends said i should have tried menthol, tasted better. oh well.

and now, i'm getting this urge. during one of my tricycle or FX space-out sessions, i imagine holding a cigarette and puffing away. sometimes, my index and middle fingers would just make that V-sign. creepy.

urge #2: strangle someone's neck.

or take our dorm's kitchen knife and stab him. or lace his drink with cyanide. or bomb their apartment.

plainly, to kill someone.

it's been 17 days since he last contacted me. pathetic that i'm counting the days.

at first, i felt hurt that he shut me out just like that. but now, i'm feeling the anger, the humiliation.

i want to get back at him. may araw din siya.

* short backgrounder: object of homicidal tendencies is a guy i like who is not my bf who said he liked me back that i was prepared to break up with my bf since we've been issues lately to be with him but then other guy said i didn't have to do that because he did not want commitment but he wanted us to be together, then one day he just shut me off with no explanation, so now i don't what we are, friends or whatever he wanted us to be. whew.

2002-09-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

got a note from my blogtree mommy. :)

does that make JM my daddy?:) hope you could work out the "long-distance relationship."

2002-09-13T03:23:00.000-07:00

it's my brother's birthday today. friday the thirteenth. realization of such actually made me think if i should wear my black shirt to work today. wouldn't want anything bad to happen on my brother's birthday, and was thinking if wearing black would be bad.

2002-09-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

what a s-l-o-w day at work. actually, could not work. could not write. or actually, i'm not in the mood to write, as in write for work purposes.

perhaps, if the office air conditioner is not aimed at my face, i'd be able to think.

perhaps, if our salary comes today, i'd be inspired to write.

perhaps, if he'd send only one measly text message, i'd be energized.

hmmm, toblerone break.

2002-09-10T03:41:00.000-07:00

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift
Yourself off of the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened

"dare you to move," switchfoot
a walk to remember soundtrack

2002-09-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

heard my first christmas song yesterday (sept. 7) on the fx taxi's radio on my way to the mall. pretty early, huh? it was gary valenciano's pasko na, sinta ko. what a sad song to start my merry season.

realized that it's been my first christmas song for a couple of years now. how come deejays like to start the season with mushy sentimental songs? it's like they're forecasting that people would have a cold christmas all alone.

but i won't. i have my babes. :)

2002-09-06T04:02:00.000-07:00

Moving forward using all my breath
Making love to you was never second best
I saw the world thrashing all around your face
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace
I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you

"i melt with you," saves the day
whatever it takes soundtrack

2002-09-06T03:24:00.000-07:00

yay! thank god it's friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! am off! :)

2002-09-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

is it just me or is my blog not working?

2002-09-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

could not wait till tomorrow! i'm going out with my high school girlfriends and we are going to par-tay! :)

been so problematic lately. been thinking about a lot of things... my work, relationships, career path, life's bad shit in general. i want to feel numb for a while.

i texted my nurse-friend, and half-jokingly asked her if she could give prescribe me some "legal drug" as i want to feel numb for a while. she SMSed me back "you are sick in the head. you are in bad need of psychiatric help. no one in her right mind would like to be numb."

but i do.

then, she follows, "try alcohol."

so, we are going out!!!

just realized awhile ago why problematic people like to drink. it is said that alcohol kills brain cells. with fewer brain cells, one won't think so much, eh?

bottoms up!

2002-08-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

This the way
that I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you
and you alone
can break my fall
I'm living again,
awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe
in these abundant skies

"learning to breath," switchfoot
a walk to remember soundtrack

2002-08-22T01:22:00.000-07:00

just realized a couple of days ago that i've got a crush on shane west, the guy with mandy moore in a walk to remember. it's kinda odd because i watched the movie a few weeks ago and i just remarked that he looked like matthew perry of "friends."

and then, i gradually noticed him again because he bears a striking resemblance to this real guy i had a little crush on. but when i started surfing the net for info about him and pictures, i found myself developing a HUGE crush on him! he's now plastered on my desktops (my home laptop and office PC), i regularly visit fan sites and i've signed up for a yahoogroups. oh, his name is also on my cell phone's screen. i learned that he has a punk rock band and i'm now on the look-out for their cd. they haven't released one yet though they have a cut on awtr's soundtrack, "so what does it all mean?" and luckily, i have an MP3 of it!

my roomies and office mates laugh at me and think what the big deal is (since i also have a real-life boyfriend), but shane is my first celebrity crush in a looooooooooong time. celebrity crushes are so high school. but here i am, a college graduate, signing up for mailing lists! oh well, one's never too old to have a crush!

my office mate gave me one month to get over this crush, and i said, let's see.

i'll enjoy it while it lasts. :)

2002-08-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

arrrgggghhh! swamped with work!

2002-08-15T02:30:00.000-07:00

kinda made a mess of myself in the office earlier...

talked to *virus* over the phone, i asked him about this thing he wrote on our organization's logbook. he wrote something like someone would "notice" me everytime i visited the tambayan. as expected, i was intrigued, and i pestered him about it. turned out it would be something that would ruin the rest of my day...

one of my former high school classmates is at it again. we belong to the same college organization. i don't know what's wrong with thid guy. i think he gets some perverse kind of pleasure in letting other people down.

a little background: we first became at odds with each other when we were high school seniors. his friends smeared my reputation hence i was not elected student council president. then, we both vied for a club presidency, and using the same disgusting machinery, he won. i then dedcided, hey, that's life. we went to the same university and applied to the same organization, i regularly saw him for another four years. somewhere along those years, he changed, he became this arrogant person who was all talk and no action. his favorite pastime in our group was to criticize everyone and everything while he barely lifted a finger to help us out when it came to work. i once served as the group's president which i presumed gave him more opportunities to comment about me behind my back. however, i did not really pay him much attention because i figurred that was just the way he is.

now, i've graduated and he's still there because he has another year to go. the past two tuesdays, i dropped by at the group's meeting because i had the day off. the org is so special to me and i missed it so much. however, it turned out that he did not like my "visits." a common friend told us that he would comment why i was always dropping by. and when i wrote in our logbook that i'm saving up to buy some "gadget," he again reacted, like i had no right to do so.

now, i could have just let all these slide, i mean, he's just one person... but in our org, he's quite influential... although he's scum, some people listen to him, believe in him, and even follow what he says. and i just can't stand having someone say negative unfounded things about me, i easily get affected. and affected, i was... i could not help but cry in front of my computer and when i called up eric. i just can't believe how childish, immature and irrational this guy could get, and i just can't believe how he could be so mad after all these years...

god, could not concentrate. thoughts are all jumbled up...

2002-08-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

and a wonderful morning to you, too... :)

2002-08-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

weighed myself the other day at the mall, one of those machines which order you to hold up your head and stand still... just had dinner then and i weighed 101 lbs., and that's with clothes! before entering college, i was required to have a full physical check-up and i remember weighing 99 lbs. now this means that in a span of four years, i only gained around two pounds! i think that's bad...

2002-08-09T00:40:00.000-07:00

craving for some cheese combos and a cold coke...

2002-08-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

i love long tricycle rides, especially when the road is free of potholes and obstructions and the tricycle is brand-new. i usually space out during these rides, and these are the times that i realize certain things about myself.

like the other night, i (sadly) realized that i have not found myself, i am in constant search of my own identity. when i was doing my homepage, even for the dinky one for journ196, i tried to think of something, a logo or a picture, that would represent me. i could not do much with my name, unlike my classmate kat, who could use a cat logo or even title her site 'kataztrophe!' i thought of using tweety since my high school classmates thought that i looked like him (or her?) but i don't collect tweety stuff so how could the character represent me?

i could not pinpoint what truly is me, what i really want, what i really like. as of now, all i know is that i could write, and i'm not even a goddamn good one. i mean, i don't really write deep, philosophical essays and i don't read serious literature and i don't have an artist's soul... i am not free, i am not that creative in my writing.

i don't identify with any character, don't have favorites, don't have unique hobbies...

my roomie lucille noticed i've been buying more magazines, but i'm not a fashionista, and will never be considered one...

for years i knew i was a student, aiming high, getting good grades, getting into a good school, fulfilling all requirements to prepare me for the real world. and now that i'm sort of out there, i'm lost, for i have not found myself.

the tricycle stopped, i'm finally home, but still lost.

2002-08-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

"no such thing"
john mayer

2002-08-06T02:10:00.000-07:00

whoops... made a mistake there, that should read dennis da silva...

didn't go to work today. yay! but didn't really enjoyed it because i went to computer cafe and researched for new materials... and now, i'm chatting with two of my officemates. certainly doesn't feel like i've left the office.

2002-08-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

miss my cute cell phone (6510). the only time i upgrade my phone with a higher model, and i get the defective one. it switches itself off and happily deletes all the entries in the phone book. the last time, it won't even register my received calls. stupid, stupid.

2002-08-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

yay! finally working! whoops... gotta get to to work! :)

2002-08-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

wow, finally, my blog's working!

2002-08-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

had an interesting morning. first, i woke up late. :) then, in the fx taxi, heard about this former star who got his live-in partner's daughter pregnant. confused? he's dennis silva, the former loveteam partner of ruffa gutierrez. he's now with a slightly older woman, however, he "fell in love" with the 14-year old daughter who's now 6 months heavy. now, the live-in partner's suing him for rape but the daughter swears she's in love with dennis. what a way to start my morning. only in the philippines.